It's a Brand New Day

Yesterday I posted that I was the girl that ate my feelings.

Yesterday? Well, yesterday was a shit storm.

Things with Shaun seem worse than ever.

I realized that my essays that I need to turn in next week are NOT in a good place. Not at all.

Then, to top it all off? My effing power went out.

I spent about half an hour sobbing, not because any of those things were particularly earth shattering on their own, but all together? I thought my head was going to explode.

I called a friend and a few of us went to dinner, which is where things started to go downhill.

I hadn't eaten much before that, I was about to make lunch when the power crapped out. After dinner (and drinks) I ended up going home where the binging fun continued.

Here's the overall damage:
2 pieces of huge sicilian style (thick crust, square slices) cheese pizza
1 mini pitcher of Bud Light (I'm guessing about 40 ounces, but not sure)
That's what I ate at the restaurant, which would have been fine, but then I went home alone and started cooking. I made a box full of 2% macaroni and cheese, and then an entire PAN OF LEMON BARS.

Hey fattie mcfattie, where ya been?

However, I only ate about one serving of the mac and cheese, and three lemon bars before I started feeling sick. The beer was probably actually a good thing, because I was already full and bloated before the attempted binge fest.

I'm guessing my calories were at about 2300. That's definitely awful, but it's no where near as bad as it could be. I threw out all of the extra food, and I've been back on track today.

I felt god awful last night, almost on the verge of puking. Hopefully this was just a blip in the road. I weighed myself in the morning, at 232. EFF THAT. That's a three pound gain since yesterday morning. I'm hoping that it was just still a belly full of salt and beer. We'll see what tomorrow looks like.

One day at a time, that's all I've got.

Sigh

After all my talk...today I was totally the girl who ate my feelings.

Ready for Summer Week Four

I'm so glad that I joined this challenge! Life is so crazy right now, I know that my blogging would have completely fallen to the wayside if I didn't owe you lovely challengers a weekly update!

Here's my recap for last week: 

1. Weight Loss Goal

My goal: To get out of the 230s

The reality: 229

Loss: -1lb

Goal for next week: -2lb so that I can hit the -60 lbs mark

I don't know what is up with the scale lately. I was so careful about staying on target, and yet for the majority of the week I flitted between 230 and 231. Today was the first day that I weighed myself and saw 229, so I'm really excited about that. I'd be more excited if my body would freakin' get on board! I do think that losing weight at all during such a stressful time is pretty much a miracle. I'm not going to set too high of a goal for next week, but I really want to hit 227 so I can hit my next ten pound milestone. 

2. Non-Scale Goal

Last week: To comment on everyone's blog at least once. Success again! I feel a bit silly commenting on posts that are a few days old, but oh well!

This week: 

I have two goals. The first is to continue being a supporter of everyone else's efforts and hit their blogs at least once.

The second is to avoid binge eating for the week. I've been really struggling (yet I've been SUCCESSFUL) with not binging this past week. All of the school stress is really getting to me, and sometimes the only way to stay awake during a push to finish something up is to eat. Last night I ate an entire box of jello and about a fourth of a container of cool whip. NOT healthy. But it was under 150 calories so I didn't feel too bad about it. I really just need to focus on not falling into this trap like I did at the end of last semester. 

3. Exercise Goal
Last Week: To get three days. The reality....none. I suck. It's always the first thing to go when I'm running short on time (blah blah blah excuses excuses excuses).

This week: To get two days. I really do have big plans for upping my exercise in a major way, but it's not going to be implemented until mid-May. 

4. Nutrition Goal:
This week: Well my goal was to stay under 1500 and to keep my water at 120 ounces. Then on Tuesday Allan  upped the challenge for the rest of the week. Wednesday-Sunday of this week my goal was to stay under 1200 calories and increase my water to 144oz. I know I got at least 120 ounces of water every day, but I'm not sure if I managed 144oz consistently. I did keep my calories under 1200, even though I was REALLY cranky about it. And pretty hungry. But I finally fought my ways out of the 230s, so I guess it was worth it.

5. Mini Challenge:
The mini challenge this week was to write a post about the ways that you pay it forward. I thought that this was a cute idea, but not really something that I feel comfortable blogging about. I prefer keeping my random acts of kindness random and I feel like talking about the nice things I do for other people takes away from the genuineness of the act. So, I sat this one out, but I DID enjoy reading the ones that other people posted.

In Other News: 

Life is hard. I could really use some encouragement. My relationship is going through a really hard time, school is extremely demanding, and I miss my friends and family back in Ohio. I'm just trying to hang tough through these next two weeks, and then at least two of those three things will be non-issues, and the third, well, we'll see where that is. Just keep pushing. 

Ready For Summer Week 3 Recap

Here's a recap of my goals for last week and my goals for this coming week. Make sure you scroll all the way through, I've got pictures at the end!

1. Weight Loss Goal

My goal: To get out of the 230s

The reality: 230.4 (Are you FREAKIN' KIDDING ME? Just LET ME GO!)

Loss: -1lb

Goal for next week: To hit the 60 lbs lost mark, 227. I'm looking for a three pound loss. 

This week was really difficult for me, scale wise, which if you watched my video post, you'd know already. On Sunday I weighed in at 233, so I just used my weight from Saturday and fought my way back down over the course of the week. I hadn't overeaten or anything like that, so for whatever reason my body was just holding on tight to the weight. Hopefully this week things go easier since my body was stubborn last week. I also think that part of it was that I'd lost ten pounds in three weeks, and perhaps just needed a week to "catch up", so to speak. Here's hoping that I can kiss the 230's goodbye AND hit another ten pound milestone in the process.

2. Non-Scale Goal
Last week: My goal for this week (before it was even listed as a mini-challenge!) was to hit all of the other participant's blogs and leave a comment...despite my busy week, I DID IT. I'm pretty proud of myself for that.

This week: I'm going to go ahead and make that my goal again for this week as well. I might not comment on your RFSC update, but I WILL comment on at least one entry from your blog this week.

3. Exercise Goal
Last week: My goal was to get in two days of at least thirty minutes of activity...and I did! I decided to walk to school on Tuesday after Princess Dieter left a comment on my post from this week reminding me that not exercising was a MAJOR weakness in my plan. I went "yeah, yeah, yeah". I tried to blow it off, but there was a voice in my head nagging me, so I laced up my shoes and went. It's only about two miles, but with a 20lb backpack strapped to my back, and the 80* Alabama heat, it felt a lot longer. On Thursday I made a play list of Zumba videos. Instructors will often tape their classes or just their own routines in an effort to get feedback. I made a playlist from a bunch of different sources, which was fun because then I could pick all the songs that I like.  

This week: I'm going to shoot for three days. Like I said, I know it's not a lot, but I'm going for baby steps here, people. At least until the end of the semester is over. 

4. Nutrition Goal:
Last week: No more than 1500 calories per day and at least 120 ounces of water. Success!

This week: Working on the same.

In Other News: 

This week I was looking through some photos on facebook, and I came across an album that I hadn't looked at in forever. I graduated in August of 2008, and I took a trip to Italy for one of the classes that I had taken that Spring. I remember how tiring it was, how sore I was, how I didn't really have that much fun because I felt uncomfortable at the time. I have no idea what I weighed in these pictures, because at that time I didn't really keep in touch with my friend Tanita-scale. I know I was working two jobs (55+ hours a week) and going to school more than full time (25 credit hours on the quarter system). My health was not priority. I would have said before I found these pictures that I was at my highest weight last May, when I started my blog...but after looking at these, I'm not so sure that's the case.

I won't lie. When I look at these pictures, I cry.  It is so disheartening to see where I've been, and it's hard to think about how much further I have to go.

One thing that I have really learned is that I am never going to be a person who can live completely scale free. I have no idea what my body is doing. I have become so dissociated from it (probably from the years of hating the way that I looked) that I am no longer in tune with the things that it needs. In January of 2010, I weighed 242 pounds. When I started my blog in May of 2011, I knew I'd gained some weight, but I thought it was closer to 250, maybe 260. I am estimating when I say that I began my weight loss at 287 pounds, because the scale I was using when I started only went up to 280. 

If, before I had looked at these pictures, you had asked me what I weighed in 2008, I would have had no idea. I would have probably guessed somewhere in the 240s. Looking at these pictures, there is no way that is right. 

I have accepted that tracking and weighing myself daily is going to be a part of my journey for the long haul. Maybe once I hit goal, I can practice different kinds of eating; paleo, intuitive, etc. But, I'm pretty sure I'll have a weekly weigh-in for the rest of my life, and I'm okay with that. Why? Because, I am never going back. Next time I start talking that crazy talk, please refer me back to these:

Italy, 2008

Italy, 2008

Italy, 2008

Ohio, 2008

Florida, 2011

 Alabama, 2012

Wordless...uh...Friday.

Ready For Summer Challenge Update Two

Here's a recap of my goals for the RFS challenge and how I did, as well as my goals that I am setting out for next week. Now that the E2E challenge is over, I'll be trying to post these goals on Sundays. I just didn't want to clog anyone's reader up. Also, I have been having problems with the linky accepting my entries for whatever reason. I just went to check and apparently my link from last week never posted, so if you're curious to see how I did at my conference, etc. check it out here

1. Weight Loss Goal

My goal was to get down to 231, and I did! However, on Sunday my weight shot up to 233 again. I didn't celebrate Easter, and I hadn't had any junk food, so I'm not sure what that was about. I used my Saturday weigh-in as my official one, and as of today (Tuesday) I'm back to 231. Not sure what that was all about. 

This week, my goal is to make it OUT OF THE 230s. That means I need to lose two pounds between today and Sunday, which is definitely do-able. I just want to be out of this "decade" and into the next. Hanging out here for five months has been five months too long!

2. Non-Scale Goal
My goal was to finish chapter three of my food and feelings book, which I epic failed at. I'm putting that book on the back burner until the semester is over and I feel like I can breathe again. 


Instead, my goal this week will be to make it to every challenger's blog and leave some sort of support. That's putting a lot of work on my plate, but I really want to be a supportive challenger.

3. Exercise Goal
Ahhh. Fail. All kinds of fail. I'm going to pull my gazelle out today before I leave the house so that maybe I'll be convinced to get on it tomorrow. My goal is to get two days  in at 30 minutes each. I know that's small, but maybe I need to start at a reasonable goal. 

Nutrition Goal:
I'm right on target here. My goal is to stay at 1500 calories every day and drink 120oz of water. I definitely got that in every day! My goal stays the same for this week!

Final E2E Update

Let's get down to business. Here are my numbers/pictures from my first post:

BEFORE:
Weight: 243
Waist: 45

 "Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it is always your choice." -Wayne Dyer.

The Pants BEFORE:

Today:

Weight: 231 (-12 pounds lost)

Waist: 42 (-3 inches)

The Pants AFTER: 

The pants fit now, and I've worn them in public, but they still rub on my belly in a pretty uncomfortable way.

I managed to lose twelve pounds during this challenge, but to be honest, most of my time was spent bouncing back and forth between 236-243. I hope I NEVER see those numbers again, because I am SO sick of them!

I didn't do that great in this challenge. Exercise was pretty non-existent, as was book reading. I tried to comment on blogs, but as the semester progressed and I got more and more overwhelmed, that kind of faded as well. My buddy Meg struggled a lot as well.  

I really do appreciate how much work Princess Dieter and Angela Pea put into this challenge. I definitely needed some butt kicking, and they were there to provide it. I'm keeping everyone from the challenge in my blog reader, and once school is out for the summer (17 days! Thank GOD) I will have a lot more time for all of the things I've been neglecting...mainly commenting and supporting others, and getting my exercise in (although to be honest, if this dizziness doesn't go away, I don't know what I'll do). 

I need to take a second to apologize to everyone. Not just E2E members, but to everyone who reads my blog. I haven't really been a good blogger the past few months. My commenting sucks. I read EVERY blog that people post. If you've commented on my blog in the past, you're in my reader. For some reason I just suck the big one when it comes to supporting you. I promise that I will work on improving this in the months to come. This goes to the E2E'ers and the RFSC people too. I'll still be stopping by your blogs if I've done challenges with you in the past, and I am going to make a concentrated effort on getting to know people in the RFSC as well. 

Thanks again for hosting Mir and Angela. You ladies are the best. I didn't reach my goal for this challenge. Hell, I didn't even make it out of the 230s, but I'm getting there, and I never quit. I may have taken a mental vacation, but I didn't give up, and I'm proud that no one else did either. <3

Midweek update

This is my last mid-week update for the E2E challenge, but I just don't really have it in me to create something in depth. Life is hard right now. The next three or four weeks are going to be ridiculous. I'll have to produce about seventy pages worth of seminar essays for my three classes. I'll also have to grade sixty student essays and get their grades together for the end of the semester. That's all on top of my normal classwork (roughly 600-700 pages worth of academic reading which is NOT the fun stuff).

Shaun and I are having problems and I don't even know if I am going to be able to make our relationship work until I get home for the summer. I feel a lot like just giving up on it. Right now, I am putting in all the effort, and he's doing about 10%. Notice I didn't say "I feel like..."? That's because I am pretty fucking true that those numbers are actual fact. I might get into it later, but then again, I might not. I'm not sure how comfortable I am airing my relationship problems in such a public sphere.

I went to the doctor for my dizziness yesterday, and she said the chances are it's either from allergies or from stress. I feel like it could be either of those, but the stress isn't going to go anywhere for at least another month. She also took a ton of blood to test my thyroid, my blood cell count, my iron levels, and my vitamin D levels. Since I'm also exhausted all the time, it could also be an iron deficiency. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

All that being said, I managed to get in a bit (a tiny bit, but still something) of exercise yesterday, and my while my eating is on the high end of my calorie level (I stay between 1300-1500), I'm still staying on track. That's saying a lot for me considering the enormous amount of stress I'm feeling right now. I have eaten things that are not on my plan for the day when presented with temptation, but I've managed to balance it all out by the end of the day.

Not much I can really do right now except keep pushing forward.

Updates of all kinds...

Well, I finally managed to get back to my apartment. I really dislike living in the south, but damn...home sweet home, at least for now.

Sunday night was a hot mess. Our flight had been off the ground for about twenty minutes when the pilot decided to turn around and take it back due to the engine overheating. When we landed on the ground, a bunch of people made mad dashes for hotels, etc, figuring that our flight wouldn't be leaving that night. I'm stubborn however, and Rhode Island is not exactly a place that I fell in love with, so to be honest I was ready to get the hell out. Eventually we learned that there was no way that our plane was going to be able to be fixed that night, as the part that they needed was in NY and it was already 8:00pm. However, there was a plane that was coming in at 11:00 that we could take. So at 11:40 we took off again. I made it back to Atlanta around 2:00AM and into a hotel that Delta provided around 3:00AM. I slept and one of my friends drove the two hours to pick me up from the Atlanta airport.

What a disaster, but all's well that ends well, I guess. I did end up overeating on Sunday night, but even though I was over my calorie goal at 1900 (I stay under 1500), I tried to make the healthiest choices available to me from the ONE kiosk that was open in the airport.

Here's a recap of my goals for the RFS challenge and how I did, as well as my goals that I am setting out for next week:

1. Weight Loss Goal
Okay, so my goal was to lose three pounds this week, which in retrospect was probably very optimistic, considering the large loss I had the week before. I DID lose one pound, and considering the frantic five days I had, I think that's pretty good. I'm down to 234, and my goal is to be at 231 next week.

As far as my food goals--I died laughing when I re-read them. I said no fried foods and no bacon...no bacon? I hardly ever eat bacon. I think what I meant was no fried foods, no cookies and no pastries. I'll give myself an 85% on this one. I did have ONE cookie on one day, and half an order of fries another. Overall though, I'm pretty proud of the choices that I made over my trip out of town. I managed to turn down lots of sweets and make good choices when I had to eat out for dinner every night.

2. Non-Scale Goal
Finish Chapter Three of Food & Feelings: I started, but I still had three pages to go. I'm folding that into chapter four this week, which gives me a total of 15 pages to work through. I'll do three pages a night for five nights, starting on Wednesday. 

3. Exercise Goal
Well, I didn't get in any official "this is the time I am going to exercise" this week. My goal was 30 minutes of activity 5 days this week. However, I did walk my ass off at my conference for four days (I'm pissed that I got in all that activity and only lost one pound). My goal this week is 30 minutes on at least four days. 

Nutrition Goal:
I'll give myself a 90% on this one. I stayed below 1500 every day but one, and while I don't think that I got in 120 ounces any day, I DID get in at least 100 ounces every day but one as well. 


As for E2E...I think I hit on all of the required pieces of my update, except for my quote: 
"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it is always your choice." -Wayne Dyer.


I also hadn't updated my waist measurements in awhile...I'm still sitting pretty at 44". Sigh. 


However, I am REALLY proud of myself for doing so well this week. Even though I only lost one pound, I was around a lot of yummy and FREE food. Free food is my biggest weakness, I swear. Comes with being a poor grad student, I guess. It's really hard for me to turn down. So I was happy that I managed to turn down not only all of the free pastries, muffins, and cookies at the conference, but also the more delicious parts of our hotel continental breakfast. No pancakes, waffles, bacon, etc for this girl. I had a bowl of apple jacks every morning as a treat (one of those little prepackaged boxes), some fruit, and some light yogurt. I packed my lunch every day...more fruit, more yogurt, and a protein bar. Then, I ate at Wendy's every night...plain chicken sandwich and a baked potato. There just wasn't anything else near my hotel besides pizza, and even though that sounded SO GOOD, I didn't cave. 


Since I stuck to my plan while I was gone, this week seems much more manageable. I went grocery shopping last night, and my house is full of healthy food. My day is planned, and I'm not fighting any weird cravings.


So even though I'm only down a pound, I'll take all of those as a win. 

Missing Weigh In...

You might be wondering where my weigh in is for this week...
well, I'll tell you, it's stuck in Alabama, and I am stuck in Rhode Island.

I wish that this was an April Fool's. My plane took off at 6:15 and turned around and came back around 6:35. The engine was running hot, and they decided it was in our best interest to turn around and come back.

So, there's a chance I'll get to fly out at 11:20pm, and I'll get to Atlanta probably around 2:00am. I have no idea how I'll possibly get home from the airport, I'm hoping they'll put me up in a hotel because if I don't get to sleep in a bed tonight, I'm going to be some kind of pissed.

I'll probably weigh in Tuesday morning.

Bah humbug.